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Monthly Archives: May 2016

Step 1. Choose A Thesis.

Try to pick something that really resonates with you.

Step 2. Change Your Thesis.

Apparently, “Japanese poetry is boring” is not an acceptable topic for a paper. Try something like, “The Utilization of Vital Imagery as Expression of Unincorporated Traumatic Memory in Japanese Tanka During Postwar Reconstruction.” Not only will you sound smart, you’ll also subtly alert your reader that Japanese poetry is boring.

Step 3. Wait Until The Day Before It’s Due.

You won’t be able to write your best paper if you aren’t properly rested.

Step 4. Panic.

Realize that you don’t know what a vital image is. In fact, you’ve never really known. But you’re three years in now, and there’s no way you’re going to ask the professor. He might find out that you’ve been faking your way through class discussions about trauma theory and artistic representation for four semesters.

Step 5. Google.

You can probably skip this step. Your topic is too boring, and no one at Google cares enough to scan the books you need. Listen, just wing it. Like in class discussions.

Step 6. Spend All Night Writing.

Sleep is for the weak. And the well-prepared. You are neither of those things.

Step 7. Submit Your Paper With Seconds To Spare.

Ace! You’re a champ. Time to start resting up for the next paper.

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