Not literally live. Really more like “after-the-fact” blogging. Or maybe just blogging? Okay, we are spending too much time on minor details now, when we could be reading Dracula! Let’s get to it!
8:26 PM: Gutenberged a copy of Dracula, by Bram Stoker. Don’t really remember why. But then, you don’t need a reason to read Dracula!
8:30 PM: You don’t see a lot of guys named “Bram” anymore.
8:48 PM: Jonathan Harker is awfully chill. It would take far fewer Slavonic peasants madly crossing themselves and waving crucifixes before I was all, “Fuck this shit. I’m outie.” Also, blue flames and mysterious wolf packs. Yeah, SOMETHING’S UP, DUDE.
8:51 PM: Vampires AND werewolves? C’mon, man. That’s a little too Twilight.
9:00 PM: Trying to forget that I know all about Count Dracula and his bloodsucking ways, for the sake of suspense. Otherwise this novel is a comedy about a tragically dimwitted man who lumbers around Castle Deadly Bloodsucker, whistling brightly and sucking down vintage Tokay while a monster drools on him.
9:21 PM: Woah. Everything just got sexy.
9:23 PM: I don’t think those ladies are good people.
9:45 PM: Break to look up Vlad the Impaler on Wikipedia. Also Bram Stoker, Elizabeth Bathory, the Ottoman Empire, “Hapsburg lip,” and Invasion Literature. May have gotten a little sidetracked.
9:51 PM: This is actually pretty scary. Harker is trapped in the castle, he’s been forced to write letters informing everyone he’s peachy and definitely not vampire bait, and the Count has stolen his clothing and letters. Getting a serious Misery vibe off this bit; maybe Bram Stoker was a Stephen King fan. And the Count can climb walls like a spider. NOT COOL.
10:05 PM: Blah, blah, blah, marriage proposals, blah, blah, blah failing the Bechdel Test. Mina is learning shorthand, so she can be a secretary for her husband. Presumably she’ll do that in between having babies and making sandwiches. I take a moment to appreciate trousers, contraceptives, and jobs for women in STEM fields.
10:25: Stoker’s seaman patois is simultaneously incomprehensible and hilarious. My favorite: “These bans an’ wafts an’ boh-ghosts an’ bar-guests an’ bogles an’ all anent them is only fit to set bairns an’ dizzy women a’belderin’. They be nowt but air-blebs.” AIR-BLEBS. That is some literary literature.
10:30 PM: THE CRAZY MAN IS ALSO SCARY. More crazy man, please.
10:39 PM: That storm scene was wicked. Someone should really make this into a movie.
10:42 PM: AW CRAP, LUCY GOT DRACULA’D.
11:30 PM: Van Helsing to the rescue!
11:44 PM: Guys, she’s being sucked dry by a vampire. It’s really starting to frustrate me that you’re not seeing this. (Spoiler?)
11:46 PM: Break to look up “history of blood transfusions” on Wikipedia. I take a moment to appreciate that my doctor has never injected me with sheep blood to calm my nerves, because apparently that has side effects like death.
11:55 PM: Have you guys considered putting a lock on that window? Because you are going to run out of male characters to transfuse from, and then Lucy’s gonna be fucked.
12:03 AM: SHIT, LUCY DIED.
1:00 AM: Just remembered I left the chicken coop open. It is very dark outside. Vampires are not a real thing, and also the chickens are basically screwed, because I’m not going out there.
1:57 AM: Is Bram Stoker getting paid by the word? It is really not necessary to hide in the graveyard, rescue a small child, and see proof that vampires stalk the night, then do it ALL AGAIN, only with some more bros. I am only halfway through and this is taking forever. You don’t see Mary Shelly pulling this shit.
2:17 AM: Dr. Seward uses those newfangled phonographs to record dictation. Dr. Seward will set up the phonograph, and show Mina how to use it. Mina will transcribe the wax cylinders with her typewriter. She will make copies for everyone. “Riveting” doesn’t even begin to describe it.
2:25 AM: Every workman in the world can be bribed with a shiny coin and a glass of beer, and because of the aforementioned repetition issues we will get to read about every single one.
2:30 AM: Avengers assemble! Mina will pass out the memos and make coffee.
2:38 AM: Mina, you have been courageous and helpful. You tamed a murderous madman, nursed a husband with PTSD, calmly threw yourself into a vampire hunt, and have shed fewer tears than any of the men in this room. You also spent many hours collating our journals, before which we were disorganized and confused. So stay in your room from now on, because you’re a woman.
2:47 AM: Three small terriers 1, swarms of hell rats 0. Ball’s in your court, Dracula.
3:25 AM: Jonathan: Well, Mina, the search is going well! Don’t know what that Dracula fellow is up to, but we’ll soon find out!
Jonathan: Don’t get up, I’m just grabbing my crucifix.
Mina: *cough, gurgle*
Jonathan: Don’t be silly, old bean, you don’t need one. Crucifixes are for men.
3:30 AM: “Count de Ville.” Subtle.
3:35 AM: Graphic description of a traumatic head wound. I’ll be reading the rest of this chapter from the floor.
3:36: “Stertorously.” There’s a word you don’t see very often.
4:07 AM: Zzzzzzzzzz….
10:13 PM: Mina has developed a rather fierce communion wafer intolerance, and Van Helsing has a suspiciously well formed plan for breaking and entering.
10:55 PM: In the midst of her pain and torment, Mina finds the wherewithal to send you guys a telegram warning that Dracula is coming. Later, she will hit upon the plan that helps you hunt down Dracula as he escapes back to Transylvania. GOOD THING YOU LEFT HER BEHIND.
10:58 PM: Just now realized that Dracula only feeds on young women. I’m beginning to suspect there might be some subtext going on here. Sexy, sexy subtext.
12:10 AM: Van Helsing is the Poirot of vampire hunting.
12: 20 AM: DRAMATIC FINALE!
12:26 AM: That was pretty good.
So that’s Dracula. A gripping yarn, certainly. I’m looking forward to reading some more Gothic literature, and possibly boring you with it. The Mysteries of Udolpho is a classic, and it’s MASSIVE.
P.S. The chickens were fine.